Saturday, January 26, 2008

Things I'm Not Capable of Learning

Hey, you kids! I'll bet you thought that by the time you hit 45, you would (1) be too hideously wrinkly and pudgy to enjoy life, and (2) stop making the same dumb mistakes, because you hear that humans learn through trial and error and stuff.

And you would be right! About the wrinkles and fat!

Here are some things I will never learn:

  • to use the Chapstick before the hand cream (How many times do I have to struggle to pop the cap off of the Chapstick with greasy hands? Apparently some more times.);
  • to chop vegetables with the fingers rolled under (Note to self: buy more Hello Kitty Bandaids);
  • to pump my own gas (at least without fear of conflagration);
  • to look uncritically at photos of myself;
  • to allow photos to be taken of me without bizarre facial contortions;
  • to bluff at poker (apparently, it is not smooth to say "sh*t" when you look at your cards);
  • to stop at one piece of chocolate candy;
  • to remember to floss every night;
  • to break my semicolon habit (I love you, John Irving); and
  • to not buy clothes (a) over the internet, (b) in a hurry, or (c) from an intimidating salesperson.
And in that vein, I will report here that Drew drove approximately 60 miles to buy (bicycle handle-) bar tape yesterday.

So I'm not the only one for which age has not smoothed out all those little behavioral peccadillos (although it has allowed me the use of some obnoxiously hyper-lit words).

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