Sunday, June 03, 2007

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself.

I bring you this wonderful bit of Real Time with Bill Maher. If you don't subscribe to the podcast yet, do it now. Even if you don't have an mp3 player.

Except that they just went on hiatus until August.

And finally, New Rule: Jimmy Carter must be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay.
Last weekend, former U.S. president and current Al Qaeda operative--Jimmy
Carter, launched an unprovoked attack upon democracy itself by telling an
Arkansas newspaper that the Bush Administration has been the worst in
And people were shocked... Arkansas has newspapers?!

But, once again, we were sucked into a phony controversy about who said what
and how it hurts George Bush's feelings. Because when you hurt George Bush, you
hurt America's feelings; and when you hurt America's feelings, you hurt the
troops. And when that happens, Tinker Bell's light goes out and she dies.

Now, as for Carter's assertion, I was up all night on Wikipedia doing an
exhaustive study of former presidents. And while other presidents have sucked in
their own individual ways, Bush is like a smorgasbord of "suck." He -- he
combines the corruption of Warren G. Harding, the war-mongering of James Polk,
and the abuse of power of Richard Nixon.

Nixon got in trouble for illegally wiretapping Democratic headquarters.
Bush is illegally wiretapping the entire country!

Nixon opened up relations with the Chinese. Bush let them poison your dog.

Herbert Hoover, who was literally named after a machine that sucks--sat on
his ass through four years of Depression, but he was an actual engineer. And if
someone told him about global warming, he would have understood it before the
penguins caught on fire.

Ulysses S. Grant let his cronies loot the republic, but he won his Civil War.

Harding...Harding sucked, but he once said, "I am not fit for this office and
never should have been here." So at least he knew he sucked. He never walked
offstage like Bush does after one of his embarrassing, language-mangling
press conferences--with that smirk on his face like, "Nailed it!" Or maybe
that's just the look you get when you have a showdown with the Democrats,
and you win. Like he just did with Iraq. You don't get to become the worst
president ever without a little help from the other side.

You know, I like Jimmy Carter, but when the -- when the Republican "fake
outrage" machine pretended to be so upset at his remarks, Carter did what
Democrats do, and backed down. He said his words were careless and misquoted,
and the sun was in his eyes, and his hearing aid went out, and he was molested
by a clergyman. Instead of looking them in the eye and saying, "No, I meant what
I said because it's true! And speaking as the first citizen of Habitat for
Humanity, let me take out my Jimmy Carter toolbox and build you a house where we can meet, and you can blow me."

I loved the part where the penguins caught on fire.

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