Monday, February 26, 2007

The Oscars Are Over and I Feel a Little Woozy.

Here are some thoughts from last night's extrava-organza.

From the "red carpet" pre-pre-show:

  • That fashion "expert" is saying that Jessica Biel's boobs are too big to wear that halter dress. I would totally wear that dress if I had those boobs. Mine would be lost in that dress. Quit being so gay, fashion "expert."
  • The red carpet vultures are getting no good interviews. People just keep passing them by, pretending not to hear their plaintive cries. "Mr. Eastwood! Mr. Eastwood! ...I guess he's busy..."
  • I was about to make fun of Ryan Gosling and his movie that nobody has heard of (Half Nelson? You mean like the wrestling move? Is it like Ice Castles, only with wrestling?), but now I feel bad because he's all about saving child war victims in Uganda.
  • Then he goes and says this: "My mom told me that if you're making a decision for the money, you're making the wrong decision." aah.
  • Nicole Kidman: didn't she read my blog from last year's Oscars? You know, where I was horrified at the large black blob trying to eat Charlize Theron's shoulder? And here she is with a large red blob trying to bite her neck. Pay attention, gorgeous people! You can't keep flaunting your gorgeousness like that, expecting us to forgive such atrocities just because you're otherwise perfect!
  • George Takei is wearing the best gown of the night.
  • Meryl Streep is so sure she is not going to win that she's thrown some old Grand Canyon souvenir necklaces on over her jammies. Bravo.
  • Whoever that blond hostess chick is seems surprised that a 10-year-old isn't wearing "too much make-up."
  • I love it that they make the press vultures try to entice their victims to come over to talk to them from behind hedges. It's like fishing for stars!
  • Penelope Cruz: Why does it take such high tech engineering to make a dress stay on her body? It looks like she's wearing a suspension bridge with feathers.
  • Somebody sewed sleeves onto the sides of Naomi Watts' strapless bumblebee outfit. I'm glad she realized they were sleeves and not just odd tubes hanging off the side of her dress at underarm level. Because that would have just been silly.
  • I like Anne Hathaway's dress. Classy.
  • Okay. Red hair isn't supposed to actually be red. I believe when they say red, they really mean a shade of orange. Patricia Field? I'm talking to you. Your hair should not match your red dress. Unless its Halloween and you're dressed as a crayon.
  • I like Cameron Diaz's dress, even if some people say it looks like a half-eaten burrito. Her hair, though, is a disaster. Ironically, the color of refried beans.
  • Cate Blanchett is perfect. Don't we hate her?
  • Kate Winslett looks wonderfully pale. No sunlamps or spray-ons. Thanks, Kate Winslett!
On to the Ceremony!
  • I like Maggie Gyllenhall and I like her dress.
  • Lose the witty dance/silhouette thingies. Less than entertaining.
  • It was almost worth the 5 hours of viewing to watch Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly belt out a "show tune" about comedy not being taken seriously.
  • Yay, West Bank Story won Short Live Subject. Too bad he has to talk so fast to say something important to him, and yet they let that Hollywood Film Corral Sound Effects Orchestra go on and on. At least I'm assuming it went on and on. I left to pop some corn.
  • That guy wins something for Happy Feet, but he didn't win anything for Babe? Bizarre.
  • Quote of the night from William Monahan (Best Adapted Screenplay winner) upon making his way to the non-podium to accept his award: "Valium doesn't work."
  • And what's with the no-podium thing? People are having to juggle their statues, or worse yet, put them down, to get out their little speeches. Ridic.
  • That horse race mock-up thing is stupid and ugly. Get out.
  • Just try not to like Tom Hanks. You can't do it.
  • Anne Hathaway has eschewed the spray-on-tan look too. Drew says pasty is the new tan.
  • Hah! That person I don't know just said "Stanley Kubrick, my great master." You just don't hear people describing their mentors as their great master anymore. Shame, I guess.
  • Sherry Lansing wins Best Dressed Recipient of an Honorary Award.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow is also sporting the Suspension Bridge of Tomorrow look.
  • I liked when Jerry Seinfeld called all the nominated documentaries "incredibly depressing."
  • What? This guy (Michael Arndt) quits his job as an assistant to Matthew Broderick to write Little Miss Sunshine and subsequently wins an Oscar for Original Screenplay? That's an awesome story.
  • This always happens. One nominee blows the top off the place with their performance of their nominated song, and some other lame song wins. I first witnessed this back in 1975. I was 12 going on 13 and very impressionable. Someone once told me I looked like Liza Minnelli with my short hair and long eyelashes, so when I saw Liza kick some major Oscar ass with a show-stopping jazz-hands-a-flying ka-powie rendition of "How Lucky Can You Get," I thought the song was a shoo-in. Until they announced the winner: some whiny-ass hippy song called "I'm Easy" by Keith Carradine. Man. This year it was a medley from the Dreamgirls girls kicking vocal ass and taking vocal names. Then they open the envelope and find Melissa Etheridge's "I Need To Wake Up" inside. Man. SHE was even making fun of that song before the ceremony, joking that she had been able to rhyme An Inconvenient Truth with "youth."
  • On that note, I'm going to go lie down for a while. I'm all academied out.

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