Post-Dental Bulletin

This one's for you, Drew:

It turns out that my teeth are fine, but those headaches I've been having? Probably my hideously misshapen temporal mandibular joint, which may or may not need to be taken out and replaced with a baboon joint, or maybe Tupperware. However, he can't really tell me which until he fits me with this tooth-holder thing which I would wear at night to keep me from grinding them, which he says I am doing, which I had no idea I was doing, and of which I am a tad skeptical. He says he can tell from the shape of my tongue. So, obviously my tongue is also repulsively misshapen. He says just let him know when I am ready (to plunk down a grand or so) and he will get going on that mouthpiece. Now, I guess I sit around and ponder my revolting tongue until my head hurts and go back to beg him to relieve me of my subhuman jaw.

What's that new teeth cleaning machine they have? Is that supposed to double as a dog whistle? My ears are still ringing. It looks like a regular pick-style implement crossed with a water-pic, only attached to a wire that goes to a machine that makes it scream. I asked "Heather" about it. She said something like, "Well, there are these two discs inside here (pointing to the handle) that rub against each other and make an ultra-sonic sound (hey, not that ultra) that make the cell walls of bacteria explode. And the vibrations help me get the tartar off your teeth. But it gets really hot so that's why this water keeps it wet (yeah, and keeps me drowning)."

Hows that, Drew? Angry enough for ya?

BONUS: Your prayer for the day, courtesy of me stealing it from Tim Dorsey's book Torpedo Juice:

Almighty Father, please stop making jerks. Amen.