My Oscar Post-Game Analysis

Or, "Hey, let’s all take the Oscars MORE Seriously!"

I had some craft work to do yesterday, so I turned on the tube to keep me company.

Lesson 1: If you are going to subject yourself to the Oscar pre-show, or God help you, the pre-pre-show, do not try this alone or sober.

It’s just so painful to watch grown men and women groveling, reaching, racking their brains for questions that come out twice as lame for the effort, and their prey smiling fakey, fakey smiles and looking for the exit. If they are such great actors, why can’t they act all tickled and happy to be accosted yet again on a patch of red real estate with a reported FIFTEEN HUNDRED JOURNALISTS? What did they expect?

One of the lamiest parts of the pre-pre-show (why did I continue to watch? I don’t know, it was like a death wish, only it took longer) was Roger Ebert trying to lasso stars from behind some shrubbery. I’m not sure why the Oscar people didn’t allow Mr. Ebert on the other side of the boxwood. Maybe he has a problem with halitosis. But the shrubbery required him to lean over it in order to holler his questions loud enough for his captive to hear, and then hold the microphone over the hedge so that they could answer. And all the people that weren’t here watching with me (why? Who wouldn’t want to sit around and needlepoint with me while watching horrible, horrible TV?) missed the best home-made MST3K since the classic Charlie Sheen movie “Terminal Velocity” (a must-see for bad-movie fans).

Lesson 2: If your dress “makes a statement,” put it back and pick another.

Cases in point:

Felicity Huffman’s dress said “I really am a woman!” I guess she was feeling a little insecure after playing a male-to-female transsexual in Transamerica. But any dress that requires adhesive to keep you from going all Girls Gone Wild on us is just icky. It’s like Kristi Turnquist said in the Oregonian this morning, “She wants us to look, but I really don’t want to.”

Michelle William’s dress said “I could spill all the mustard I want and you wouldn’t be able to tell!”

Charlize Theron’s dress said “I can wear anything, no matter how wacky, and I’m still better looking than you.” At least that’s how I took it. Why else would she wear a dress with a bow on her shoulder that is bigger than her head?

Keira Knightley’s outfit said “I spent so much on this oufit that I didn’t have any money left to do my hair.”

Jennifer Lopez’s dress said “Quick, pull down this theater curtain before Rhett comes. I have to make myself a lovely, lovely dress!” Or maybe, “I have made my body into a theater and I shall open the curtain for you. And you. And you.”

Meow.

Lesson 3: Invite Jon Stewart back next year. Enough said.

Lesson 4: Academy voters have a sense of humor.

It was fun watching Cedric Coleman and Three 6 Mafia win Best Original Song for “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” from “Hustle & Flow”. They were all happy and glittery-toothed.

Lesson 5: Academy voters have no sense of humor.

Or else, they require their lessons learned via hammer applied to head. “Crash” was like a Very Special After-School Special for grown-ups. Too much exposition. Not enough good. If you want some race lessons with your entertainment, I recommend Spike Lee (“Do the Right Thing”, “Jungle Fever”, “Malcolm X”, Bamboozled” and others).

Lesson 6: It is not humanly possible to watch the Oscar pre-pre-show, pre-show, show and post show. Well, not without some damage.

I tried. The post show was just too awful. It was the pre-show only with stars who really, really don’t want to talk any more. About anything. I couldn’t take any more pain and called it a night.

Gosh, only 364 more days until next Oscar night. Maybe if I work out by watching a lot of Entertainment Tonight and E!, next year I can make it through all 8 hours of Oscar programming! Or I could just pull my own teeth out with pliers.