Number 5: The Hippopotamus.
These guys are probably deadlier than some of the higher-placed animals, but their lack of furriness affects their score. No, really. These pink blobbies, for all their Disney-friendly tubby tummies and wiggly ears, are cranky and surprisingly fast and ferocious. And it doesn't take much to set them off. But man, in a zoo, they are aahh-dorable. Blink-blink. Wiggle-wiggle.
Number 4: The Chimpanzee.
Cute in a little hat. Darling when they are small, maybe sporting a little diaper. But just like humans, when they hit adolescence, they turn into reckless, unthinking sex and rage machines. DO NOT adopt a cute little chimp baby. It will tear your friend's face off.
Number 3: Cheetahs.
For the purposes of my very important list, the cheetah is representing all big cats. They are all cute when they are lolling about the savanna, yawning and licking their babies, but cheetahs are the most cutest of all the big cat faces. Look at the puss on that puss! Makes you just want to smoosh it, which would be unwise if you want to keep your blood inside your skin.
Number 2: Elephants.
Here's another animal that can kill us (however, unlike the others on this list, not by eating, or even biting, but by stomping us with their enormous, adorable feet - 'cause they are vegetarians - they probably think we taste terrible), but yet we insist on making them dress in tutus and dance for us. It's hard to resist their cuteness, even though it comes in such a jumbo size. (Fun fact: did you know the word "jumbo" came from the name of an elephant captured in the Sudan and brought to Europe in the 1860s and later sold to P.T. Barnum? Sadly, Jumbo was killed by a locomotive. Okay, that fact was not that fun.) The more I learn about elephants, the more I don't want to see them in circuses, or even small zoos. These wonderful, intelligent animals are not meant to be squished into trucks and other small spaces and made to do tricks. I wouldn't want to either.
Number 1: BEARS!
This is not a surprise to anyone with eyes and a brain. In fact, this whole list would be just a list of different types of bears (polar, grizzly, black, Kodiak, sunbear, panda, Fozzy) if I hadn't given the other animals a break by consolidating all of them here under one heading. Bears have it all: fluffy fur, big forehead with little round ears, expressive eyes, kind of pigeon-toed feet, round tummy, a little black nose, deadly teeth, and long, slashing claws. Bears have it.
Oh, and you're welcome.