Your Oscars Recap

I know you’ve come to look forward to my Oscar Night recaps (shut up, you do too), so although I was otherwise engaged for most of the telecast last night, I dutifully curled up on the couch this afternoon and slogged through it out of a sense of duty.

Here are my thoughts:

Just about everyone wore safe, lovely gowns, which starves important journalists like myself from important snarking opportunities. Only more fuel to our hatred.

I would have given Tilda Swinton the Worst Dressed award for wearing a black silk garbage bag that she put on sideways, but for two crucial things: One, she is fierce - no, she is fiercely fierce, and two, she was beaten out by Rebecca Miller, wearing parts of three outfits and a bow pasted onto her chest that I'm pretty sure she dug out of the Costco bag-o-bows that I picked up last Christmas.

Only one (one!) last thing to say about fashion: Nicole Kidman, take off that Christmas tree garland right now!

I know, I left Diablo Cody out because on anyone else, I would have fainted dead away at the (choose as many as applicable): a Britney-Spears-exiting-a-limo scary skirt slit, snazzy animal print, “flowing” attempt that landed closer to “puffy,” rhinestone Bedazzler™ neckline feature, and/or skull-and-crossbone earrings, but it was Diablo Cody, and it’s all real. Thank God for people like her.

Best speech:

Glen Hansard (Once), co-winner for best song (in a wicked brogue):

"Tanks! This is amazing. What are we doin here? This is mad. We made this film two years ago. We shot on two Handycams. It took us three weeks to make. We made it for a hundred grand. We never thought we would come into a room like this and be in front of you people. It's been an amazing thing. Thanks for taking this film seriously, all of you. It means a lot to us. Thanks to the Academy, thanks to all the people who've helped us, they know who they are, we don't need to say them. This is amazing. Make art. Make art. Tanks."

Most thankful thank you: Marion Cotillard (La Vie En Rose), who thanked life and love itself, and then revealed herself to be the last person alive who might believe that there are actual angels in Los Angeles.

Most helpful presenter: Colin Farrell, who pointed out a slick spot near the podium by sliding across it. Unfortunately, two later presenters slipped on the same spot. I guess the guy with the mop wasn't watching the Oscar either.

And thank God for Jon Stewart, who tries to remind us that the bejeweled and besurgeried were just kids from drama class in high school who lucked into great jobs, which helps the rest of us feel a little less like we are from a lesser planet.