Welcome To Your Animal Rating Service. Today: The Five Cutest Deadliest Animals

I know you know which is number one in terms of cutest/deadliest.  But can you name Numbers 2 through 5? I can! Let's!

Number 5: The Hippopotamus.

These guys are probably deadlier than some of the higher-placed animals, but their lack of furriness affects their score.  No, really. These pink blobbies, for all their Disney-friendly tubby tummies and wiggly ears, are cranky and surprisingly fast and ferocious. And it doesn't take much to set them off.  But man, in a zoo, they are aahh-dorable.  Blink-blink. Wiggle-wiggle.

Number 4:  The Chimpanzee.

Cute in a little hat. Darling when they are small, maybe sporting a little diaper. But just like humans, when they hit adolescence, they turn into reckless, unthinking sex and rage machines. DO NOT adopt a cute little chimp baby. It will tear your friend's face off.

Number 3:  Cheetahs.

For the purposes of my very important list, the cheetah is representing all big cats.  They are all cute when they are lolling about the savanna, yawning and licking their babies, but cheetahs are the most cutest of all the big cat faces.  Look at the puss on that puss!  Makes you just want to smoosh it, which would be unwise if you want to keep your blood inside your skin.

Number 2:  Elephants.

Here's another animal that can kill us (however, unlike the others on this list, not by eating, or even biting, but by stomping us with their enormous, adorable feet - 'cause they are vegetarians - they probably think we taste terrible), but yet we insist on making them dress in tutus and dance for us. It's hard to resist their cuteness, even though it comes in such a jumbo size. (Fun fact: did you know the word "jumbo" came from the name of an elephant captured in the Sudan and brought to Europe in the 1860s and later sold to P.T. Barnum? Sadly, Jumbo was killed by a locomotive. Okay, that fact was not that fun.) The more I learn about elephants, the more I don't want to see them in circuses, or even small zoos.  These wonderful, intelligent animals are not meant to be squished into trucks and other small spaces and made to do tricks.  I wouldn't want to either.

Number 1: BEARS!

This is not a surprise to anyone with eyes and a brain.  In fact, this whole list would be just a list of different types of bears (polar, grizzly, black, Kodiak, sunbear, panda, Fozzy) if I hadn't given the other animals a break by consolidating all of them here under one heading. Bears have it all:  fluffy fur, big forehead with little round ears, expressive eyes, kind of pigeon-toed feet, round tummy, a little black nose, deadly teeth, and long, slashing claws.  Bears have it.

Oh, and you're welcome.

BEARS!

A bear that redistributes the country's hubcap wealth.

And in the Land of Robin Hood. Now that's a bear I want to get to know.

Thursday is Show & Tell Day

I'm not sure this one is done, but I'm done with it for now. This is a bad photo. I had to take it at an angle to cut down on glare (too lazy to take it off the wall where it is drying and place it in an area with better lighting), then I whacked some of it off with the crop tool to make it a rectangle again. If it looks like there is a lot of glare in the bushes at the lower left, it's because there is. This one is the biggest yet, maybe four feet by five feet, all by palette knife, so I'm tired. So lay off.


This is Phase One of the new one, in case you want to watch it develop (like a Polaroid picture - shake it, shake it - sorry). I'm picking the brushes back up for this one, because it's bear time again. I decided to use this long, thin canvas to highlight the reach. I bought it thinking "panorama," but I think turning it on its side for this effect will be more fun.

This one is based on this news photo from the Denver Post. I decided to use a less moustached fire fighter and a different house, and fewer of the crazy ropes and pulleys the Colorado fire dudes thought they needed for one small fluffy bear cub. It looks like they were trying to lynch him. Actually, it looks like they are doing a good job of capturing his ear. I skipped the ropes for now. They're cluttery. Besides, my fire dude's got it under control. What could possibly go wrong?


Are you still humming the "Shake it like a Polaroid Picture" song?

You're welcome.